Stirring

August 24, 2021 (+) / 4:40 p.m. / I felt alive at the community college this morning. Possibly because of the vanilla chai tea I’d consumed. I’m trying to be more of a tea person than a coffee person, but, like a lot of phases, it will probably be yet another fleeting attempt to transform myself.

D_F had office hours in the writing center today. We talked quite a bit, though I believe I did more of the talking. I think he gathered that I was tense and energetic. I confessed to him how my internship screwed me over.

“I think you need to just walk away,” he advised, after I told him all the details. “Let it go.”

“I can’t,” I replied. “It’s the insult to my intelligence that gets to me. It makes me want to scream.”

I assured him I wouldn’t do anything crazy, because I need this experience on my resume. He agreed. “Who knows? Maybe they’ll realize months from now that you were a great asset.”

I appreciated the sentiment, but I highly doubt they’ll miss me. I mean, if they looked at me point blank and lied about me being a great person, then they obviously do not value me.

We switched the topic and conversed about our writing, our favorite music, and how he got engaged over the summer. In addition, we talked about the concept of “normal” and how “normal” is bullshit. What is normal? I don’t know.

I think D_F suspects that I have issues, though he doesn’t know the full extent. That’s OK. He doesn’t need to know. I believe I slipped up and alluded to my problems, however, when I said, “My favorite album is not the kind of album you play while going on a road trip. It’s better to listen to it in solitude at two a.m. while you’re having an existential crisis.” I laughed it off.

Later, after he left, one of his students came in for help. I assisted her to the best of my ability (she didn’t have a paper, hadn’t read the assigned material, and didn’t seem to understand the kind of services the writing center offers).

Inside my body were scribbles, and I found myself repeating phrases, providing example after example, afraid that everything I’d been saying wasn’t making sense. I apparently spoke in a logical manner, though, seeing as the student walked away, saying she had a clearer idea of the assignment. Good.

When the student left, I wanted to stand and pace around the room. At one point, I did. Thinking about my internship made my nerves rattle. I dreaded being around the two-facedness of the work-environment. But money, Jack. Money. I am enduring this bullshit chagrin for goddamn Ben Franklins. Is this how a prostitute feels after being fucked? Probably.

Right now, I’m sitting at my desk ten stories up at the second job, surrounded by a hullabaloo of laughter and employee camaraderie, and I just want to stand up and say, “Excuse me, may I have everyone’s attention? Hi, it’s me: yours truly. I first want to show my gratitude for having the chance to work here — even if it meant being screwed royally. See, I know well that my departure has absolutely nothing to do with a lack of resources to create a position. That’s what happens when you post job ads on LinkedIn. People see it! Employees see it. Jesus, did you think I was an idiot? Heh, thank God I’m not homicidal, otherwise you’d all be sorry. My advice to the management here? Stop being a bunch of twats. Because who knows? You might hire the wrong person in the future and end up being shot or thrown out a window. Ever heard of James Holmes? Be thankful, because this time, you’re only getting a well-deserved screw you. Cheers and sayanora, fatherfuckers.”

Other than my need to verbally purge, I’m happy. Happy happy. Sunshine happy. Little-Orphan-Annie happy. Energetic, but still. Stirring in my skin.

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Bipolarized

Bipolarized

A #MH log, where I document my experiences. May this blog be a tool for research. + (good days); - (bad days); [] (a mix, with one being more than the other).