Depressed (Cont.)

July 25, 2021 (-) / 11:25 a.m. / There is nothing worse than when the outside world is the polar opposite of how you feel on the inside—unless the outside world is a post-apocalyptic landscape, that is. Then I imagine everything is probably peaches and cream. But when everything is sunny and you feel like hell, it seems as though the world is mocking you.

Moreover, I feel stuck in time, like an insect trapped in amber. And yet, I continue to age, as if the body is betraying me. I’m constantly at war with my body, whether it be lotioning my face, coloring my hair, eating just two packs of oatmeal a day, or forcing myself to drink black coffee with no sugar (which I’ve acquired a taste for).

Sometimes I can’t tell if the flaws I see are real or if they don’t exist. Is it possible that my mind conspires against me and makes me see things that aren’t there? It seems like my reflection is a completely different person staring back at me. If it smiles, I smile. If it frowns, I frown. The reflection has more power than I do.

Song/Mood: "Ugly" by The Smashing Pumpkins (yes, yes, I know… Billy Corgan is an emo Nosferatu-Jesus-wannabe)

(Transferred to Medium on July 31, 2021)