In Need of a Distraction

August 30, 2021 (-) / 12:48 a.m. / I don’t know what to write. I feel terrible, so there’s a start. It’s like my emotional battery has been drained. Yesterday, I went to bed at seven p.m. and woke up at noon the next day, thinking, Wow, so this is it?

At one point, my mother asked if I was OK. I said yes, but I think she knows I was lying. The reason I didn’t go to bed early tonight is because my father spent a great deal of his day repairing a water pump. If he could endure the hot sun, then I could manage this terrible feeling. Otherwise, I’d feel guilty.

I tried to help my father to the best of my ability, but I know nothing about fixing water pumps. Some would laugh at that, I know, or find it pathetic, but it’s true. After the water pump was fixed, I went with my cousin and grandmother to a Mexican restaurant. Because I knew if I didn’t do something I would just go to sleep.

I have nothing else to write.

6:22 a.m.

I couldn’t sleep well. My eyes clicked open and I thought of all my bad choices in life. I thought of death, but pushed the ideas out of my skull. I can’t die. Not yet.

3:54 p.m.

My mood is flat. I’m doing well at faking it at the community college, but I don’t want to be here. I want to retreat to the dark. This depression, it seems like more of a solid than a fluid, and I exist inside of it, like a ghost trapped halfway through a cement wall.

Song/Mood: “The Fallen Interlude” by Blink-182