I Can’t (Meeting w/ the Psychologist via Zoom [V])

September 1st, 2021 (-) / 5:10 p.m. / Today was my fifth Zoom meeting with the university psychologist and probably the last; I have an appointment with someone on September 7th, which was the goal: to get connected to a doctor. I’m not going to go into what we talked about, mainly because it was just a rehash of yesterday and how I wanted to go to a hospital in July. The truth is, I have no energy. I simply can’t.

“Sorry, I’m drained today.”

(My text to J_V)

I tried, though. I went and bought a new toothbrush, got some gas and a pack of cigarettes (and took pictures of a Trump bus — the highlight of my day), came home, did a bit of school work (barely), spoke to the NCSU psychologist, and made an appointment with a doctor. By five o’clock p.m., I needed to lie down, and I will probably be in this dark room until tomorrow morning. Because all of this was too much.

Moving my body felt like being robotic. I also couldn’t eat. I made a bowl of oatmeal and forced it down, just so I could have something on my stomach. I almost (almost) came close to going to bed without brushing my teeth or showering but… no. Non-negotiable. I may feel like I’m encased in concrete, but shutting down with my body laminated in filth and my mouth a dirty mess is not an option.

So, I brushed my teeth, washed and conditioned my hair, and blow-dried it. But it was fucking hard. I wanted to cry in the shower. I didn’t.

Part of me cannot believe I admitted to J_V yesterday that I’m crazy. I know people say it’s a politically incorrect term, but come on… lighten up. In truth, had I not been open, I probably would’ve been worse today.

I don’t know what else to really say.

Goodnight. You can message me tomorrow. Hope you got Sue Klebold’s book.

My last text to J_V for the evening.

I hope it rains.

Song/Mood: “Hurt/All-Star" (Mash-up Cover) by Jon Sudano (Vaporwave/Lo-Fi remix [Click])