Appointment w/ a Psychologist via Zoom (II)

August 9, 2021 ( -) / 12:34 p.m. / Today I met with the psychologist to discuss my issues. I told him I feel like a tornado wrapped in human skin.

Of course, he asked, “Why?”

So, I explained that I suck in negativity — that I destroy more than I create. In addition, I told him I have a problem with being drawn to the negative aspects of life rather than its antithesis. In other words, I find comfort in a downward trajectory versus an upward movement (cue The Downward Spiral motif). This includes surrounding myself with negative people.

He told me elaborate, and I did: “Because I feel like being around negative people means you can’t hurt them. I fear bringing positive people down, so I avoid them all together.”

I also tend to associate myself with negativity because it’s hard for me to identify with positivity. (What is it? What does it do? I know it is good, I know it is beneficial, but how do I do positivity and actually mean it?)

I can hear members of my family telling me now to turn to God’s love and accept Jesus. Oddly enough, I do accept Jesus and His teachings, because I know logically it makes things better. But how do I feel positive? Scratch that: how do I be positive? Pray? Yes, that helps sometimes. But in the grand scheme of it all, I am faced with a beautiful world that I feel rejects me (or I reject it… or both). I sound like a conundrum, I know. This isn’t to say I never happy. But beneath the occasional happiness is a gravitational pull that is strong as a black hole.

The biggest waste of my twenties was searching for people who I believe understood my misery, rather than finding those who could make me not feel miserable.